Congratulations! You are one of two candidates for that awesome promotion you’ve been eyeing at your company.
Not only are you excited about the opportunity, but you know you’re a shoo-in for the position! You have done exemplary work on several high-profile projects over the past year and have gone above and beyond to contribute to team members when they needed a hand, even though you didn’t have to.
As you sit down with your morning coffee to check email, you see that there is a message from your boss with a Zoom link asking you to meet with her for a call in a couple hours. You respond with a ‘yes,’ and sit back thinking about all the new ideas you are going to bring into this new role.
When the time comes, you login, greet your boss with a smile and newfound energy. Those things last until she tells you that the position officially was offered to the other candidate, and that she has accepted.
You are floored! How can this be, you wonder? With all that you have done leading up to this opportunity, how could they not have seen that you were the right choice?
You know that your boss has been talking for the past minute, but you realize you haven’t heard anything she’s said. You shake the shock off and ask her one question, “What did the other candidate do that I didn’t?”
Her answer is simple, “She advocated for herself really well.”
Advocated for herself? You first thought is that your amazing work over the past year was powerful, why did you need to advocate for yourself? Your work clearly should have done that for you.
You are so thrown for a loop that you leave work to meet a friend (socially distanced, of course) on a Panera patio to have a coffee and vent. That is when this friend says something that makes you realize you missed not only the opportunity for the position, but also the opportunity to remind the decision-makers of what you had accomplished over that past year.
Your boss called it ‘self-advocating,’ but you understand that it’s really self-negotiating. You realize in that moment that you did not negotiate for yourself; there was no strategic discussion, there was no discussion about her solutions to challenges in that new role that you had ideas for, there was no reason for them to look beyond what a good job you were doing in your current role.
It is not uncommon for us to minimize ourselves without even realizing it. It’s easy to assume that things we’ve done in the past will simply speak for themselves, and it’s easy to wait for someone else to speak up for us. But often, the reason someone gets chosen for a new role or one project gets the green-light while another does not isn’t just the quality; it’s the advocating that comes with it.
If you are picturing a child with his hand in the air yelling, “Pick me, pick me!,” that’s not what I’m suggesting. I am suggesting that sometimes the difference between getting what you want and not getting it is directly related to whether you even asked for it or reminded people why you are a good choice.
If you read through a bunch of negotiation research, you will learn that strategies that are successful typically include two things:
- You have to believe you can do it before anyone else will
- You need to ask for what you want
In other words, to do it successfully, you need to understand it and communicate it. In the case above, you may have known your own worth, but never communicated it, and that’s what the other candidate did to be chosen.
Sophia Amoruso, the CEO of Girlboss loves to remind people that, if you want a raise or a promotion at work, the first thing to understand is that, “You don’t get what you don’t ask for.”
While many professionals who are good at what they do believe in themselves and value their contributions, the break-down is often in not feeling comfortable communicating those contributions and worth to others. It’s easy to feel like you’re just bragging or gloating and that can make you feel self-centered or arrogant.
But self-advocating by negotiating for yourself is a skill, and if you do it right, people don’t think you’re showing off, they think you’re the correct choice.
Remember, negotiating is just another way of asking. Here are three things you need to do if you want a successful outcome that benefits both sides.
Imagine you are advocating for a friend instead of yourself.
If this was a friend who was needing to advocate for themselves, what would you tell them to say? You would remind them of their accomplishments and worth and tell them to talk about examples of times when they did add value, offered an idea that stuck, or worked well with a team to accomplish a great goal for the company.
It’s always easier to negotiate for someone else than it is for yourself. So, negotiate for yourself as if you were a friend.
Talk about your accomplishments as part of your teams’ accomplishments.
This is what good leaders do. Leaders are not the ones doing all the work (those are obsessive managers); leaders jump in to help, but also inspire vision, motivate others to be their best, help to set direction and courses and then guide people. Leaders don’t just help themselves, they help others, too.
Remember that your accomplishments were not just about you. Do you like working with your company? Your boss? Your team? Is there a story or situation where you helped someone else reach their potential to make sure something important got done? Can you see the potential in the future and want to be a part of it because it’s exciting? Say those things!
Don’t wait for permission to ask for what you want.
Stop being patient! There is no substitute for inner confidence.Yes, it’s easier said than done sometimes, but it is what is needed to get what you want and share your value. If you want to hit the ball, you need to first step up to the plate.
No attorney worth his salt would walk into a courtroom without having prepared good arguments for what he wants, based on evidence that helps him to prove his point. Neither should you. If you see something you want, you believe you are a good choice, and you have the evidence to back up why you are a strong candidate for it, go ask for it.
Nobody else is going to do it for you (especially if they are also in the running!).
Self-advocacy is essential to effectively managing both your career and your life. It is the ability to communicate clearly what you want and need. Too often, people are passive with their career moves by sitting back and waiting for opportunities to arrive. Using these three approaches will help you to gain more self-confidence, let others know what you are striving for, and make sure that both your leadership abilities and past successes are front and center on the evidence table.