Imagine you’re driving a car on a racetrack. You are moving fast through the turns, skidding occasionally, but you manage to stay on the track. All of a sudden, you lose control and drive off the track completely and you’re now out of the race.
Now imagine the same scenario, but this time there is a barrier around the outside of the track. When you lose control and drive off the track, this barrier stops you and makes it so you are able to return to the track and get right back in the race.
That barrier was a boundary that kept you in the race.
Everywhere you look these days, people seem to be talking about boundaries; ‘healthy boundaries,’ ‘unhealthy boundaries,’ emotional boundaries, physical boundaries and financial boundaries to name a few. There are even boundaries that are work related and often come disguised as “balance.”
It may seem like the new catchphrase, but boundaries are necessary to create all success.
In their simplest form, boundaries are parameters you choose to include in your life - similar to the barrier around the racetrack. Their job is not to smother you or make you so rigid that you cannot change, their job is to keep you on track if you start to veer off. They are less like walls and more like guidelines.
Most likely, you already have some boundaries set in your own life, whether you realize it or not. There are certain things you will do and won’t do (morals are a type of boundary), and there are things you consider important that you make the time for (priorities are a type of boundary), and there are some people you talk to while others you let go directly to voicemail when you see their name on callerID (your time and energy are a type of boundary).
You may have a policy that you don’t discuss client information with other people or that you don’t answer work emails after 7:00 pm, as that is time you spend with your family or that you walk by yourself for 20 minutes every morning, uninterrupted, so you can start your day with a clear head.
Some boundaries are short-term, while others are long-term.
If you’ve ever waited until the last moment to write a paper for school or to create a presentation for work, you may have locked yourself in a room, put your phone in airplane mode, and gotten focused on the task at hand without interruption. That is an example of a short-term boundary that you set and respected to get the job done.
If you were a long-time smoker who has quit and made a commitment to yourself that you will never smoke again, when someone offers you a cigarette, your answer is always going to be ‘no.’ That is a boundary you have intentionally set for the rest of your life.
Think of boundaries as intentional decisions that you have made ahead of time so that, when certain situations arise, you don't have to spend time thinking, floundering, questioning or doubting, you have already chosen how you will respond.
Without clear boundaries, we invite others to make the decisions about how to treat us, how we “should” feel, or what they think we need to do. With clear boundaries, those decisions are our own. We may swerve at times, but we never leave the track when it comes to something important to us. That is a choice.
Why it’s important to respect these choices is because people tend to treat you as you treat yourself. If you don’t respect your time, for example, don’t expect others to respect it. Setting standards for your own behavior and emotions reminds you what you will tolerate from others and what you won’t. Healthy relationships, both personal and professional, always have boundaries. That is what helps these relationships to be mutually respectful, appropriate, and caring.
When a person lacks boundaries, they are often emotionally needy and codependent. Without boundaries, we are always looking for someone else’s opinion about what we “should” or “shouldn’t” do and our decisions are never our own. It's not a matter of staying on the racetrack because there is no racetrack. Instead, you are at risk of just getting into whatever car is there at the time, no matter what direction it’s going, and never making any deliberate choices for your own life. That is why, when we don’t have boundaries in our lives, it’s easy to get “fed up” with people or feel emotionally exhausted about situations, always blaming others for those results; we are going with their flow, not our own.
There are also people who use the term ‘boundaries’ to get out of the things that they should be doing. When we feel that we are unequipped to handle something or are just choosing to be lazy, it’s not uncommon for someone to pull out “boundary” talk to excuse themselves from it. It’s a protection mechanism disguised as a choice.
These people often come off looking like either bullies or martyrs because of the way they twist the concept. When someone wants to be doing something other than what they're doing, they might “set boundaries'' to make it seem as if someone else is being the problem by imposing “unrealistic” expectations. For example, they may commit to taking on a certain task, but when they don’t complete that task, a boss may ask if they can work late to finish. Even though they had all week to work on it, and chose not to, they explain to that boss that they’re not going to work in the evenings or on weekends because that’s their personal time; they believe the boss is asking too much of them. They make it sound as if others are taking advantage of them when, in reality, they are simply being lazy or not doing what was agreed upon.
People who can’t manage their time well or don’t have enough confidence in themselves are susceptible to this bad habit. It’s easier to talk about doing something than it is to do it. Once they see that, instead of taking responsibility, they may communicate what they call “boundaries” to avoid doing it.
Unhealthy boundaries can also cause people to want to put boundaries on you, but not respect the boundaries you set. Respect is a two-way street. When you are clear on your own boundaries, you are better able to communicate them to others. If someone else gets upset because you have set some boundaries, that’s probably the best evidence you need as to why those boundaries need to be set.
Healthy boundaries are what are necessary for success. If you don't put boundaries in place to respect your time, your energy, and your emotions, all of those things will be constantly disrespected and you may feel as if other people aren't helpful or supportive because they “waste your time” or “stress you out.”
By putting some healthy boundaries in place for yourself, you build and pave the racetrack that will show others how to respect your time and energy in the same way you do, while also showing you the path to achieving your goals.
It’s not selfish because, in the end, even with all the support in the world, you are the one who has to do what needs to be done to reach your goals. In order to do that, you need to determine what your priorities are and intentionally set healthy boundaries around them so that those things can get done.
Whether you are new to the concept or you already have put some boundaries in place in your life, here are two things you need to do if you want to build some healthy guidelines that will keep you on track.
First, the reality of life is that you do have some boundaries that are already set for you, like time. Because of that, you have to say “no” to some things if you want to say “yes” to other things. That’s why you need to start by getting clarity on what your “yeses” are. In personal and professional development speak, we refer to these “yeses” as goals, visions, and plans.
What do you want to achieve? The clearer you get on that, the more you will see and want to drive on that racetrack. It’s easier to know what to say “no” to if you focus on what you want to say “yes” to. With clarity, your boundaries begin to build themselves.
Second, once you have a “yes,” it’s helpful to identify what is going to get in the way before it does. The best boundaries are made with some experience under your belt. After all, how can you set a boundary with something (assuming it’s legal and ethical) if you don't really know anything about it?
Set boundaries specific to these distractions. For example, if you know that anytime you sit down to watch “an episode or two” of your favorite show, you end up binging for three hours, that's a great place to set and respect a boundary. The mindset to wrap around this boundary is not that you “have to stop watching a show you want to keep watching,” but rather that you “got to watch two episodes AND found two full hours” to work on other things that are important to you.
If you want to stay on that track and finish the race, some guidelines have to be in place; the track outline needs to be clear, markings on the track should help remind you where to start and where to end, and it should be clear when you are completely off that track and moving in a different direction. These guidelines, or boundaries, are what make sure you have what you need to finish the race while also keeping away the distractions that are trying to run you off the track.
When you incorporate healthy boundaries into your life, you give yourself control by making intentional and deliberate decisions that, when respected, consistently move you towards reaching your goals.